"As we reached the top of the ridge, we came
in sight of our goal for the first time and paused in silent
astonishment. A gasp arose from every throat at the unimagined
spectacle of awesome majesty that was spread before our unbelieving
gaze.
Our Sherpas huddled together, speaking in low tones and casting
frightened glances in the direction of the sight, terryfing in
its splendour and silent glory... for a moment we feared they
would abandon us and our mad quest. How had we the audacity to
think we could challenge this great force of Nature which had
thrown back so many would-be conquerors before us?
But on the heels of that moment of awed silence, came a fire
of renewed determination burning in every heart... for conquer
it we would, or die trying."
--From the logbook of the Show Assistant Expedition
August, 1897
What are the Show Assistants? (And What are they
doing?)
The Show Assistants, or SA's, are one of
the most elite commando squads in the modern world. Always in
a state of readiness, they specialize in counter-terrorism and
can strike suspected terrorist enclaves anywhere in the world
with lightning-fast, surgical precision. Armed with the latest
in military technology, they--
Hang on a minute. Oh, sorry. That's the SAS, not the SA's.
Let's see.
Oh damn, my notes are all screwed up...
...
...Okay, I'm ready now.
What are the Show Assistants? They are the secret weapon in
the MOB's halftime arsenal. They are an integral part of the MOB's
unique style, and we may be glad that they are; because, due to
a chain of circumstances far too elaborate to go into here, If
there were no Show Assistants, the MOB today would be a small
accounting firm in Dayton, Ohio. And we're also pretty
sure that the state of Florida would be a territory of Brazil,
although this conclusion is only certain if we got the math right.
For recreation, Show Assistants love nothing better than rolling duct tape down a football field
for a world record of 115 yards, a sport so demanding that only
the elite can compete.
To make a long story longer, the Show Assistants are the people
who build props, wear costumes, and run around on the field like
chickens with their heads cut off at every MOB halftime show.
Being a Show Assistant is the most fun you can have while dressed
like a bunch of grapes, at least while remaining legal in the
city of Cincinnati.
So these are the Show Assistants, the organization that dares
to ask, "Why not put a rabbit in it?"
The world may never dare to answer...
The History of the Show Assistants
The story of the Show Assistants begins long ago, at a time
when
OMIGOD BATS! BATS!!! ALL OVER ME!!!! AAAAUUUGGGHHH!!!
Ahem. Sorry about that. The story of the Show Assistants begins
long ago, at a time when primitive cave-dwelling musicians formed
themselves into simple hunter-gatherer
bands. These distant ancestors of the modern marching band,
known to modern scientists as "Land-bridge-crossing bands,"
represented a great advance over what came before (i.e. nothing),
but still faced severe problems, the chief of which was that nobody
had invented halftime yet. Nevertheless, they were worth having
around just because they were so fun to look at in their cave-band
uniforms and because their musical instruments made really
good tools to club saber-tooth tigers over the heads with.
Then one day
AUUGGGHHH! GET THEM OFF ME GET THEM OFF ME!!! BATS!!!
BATS!!!
a particularly brilliant cave-dweller came up with the idea
that was to revolutionize history. He said, "Instead of sitting
around bashing tigers on the heads with our Sousaphones, why don't
we all dress up like Bugs Bunny and
throw rubber chickens at them?"
And everyone else in the tribe said, "Huh." Thus the
first Show Assistant was born.
Show Assistants continued to play a vital role in world history.
In Classical Greece, they were noted architects, and sometimes
even architecture. It is a little-known
fact that the Knights of the Round Table
were outfitted exclusively by Show Assistant armorers. When Columbus
sailed for the New World, Show Assistants built his ships.
The Show Assistants moved firmly into the modern era with the
famous "ET Show" in 1982. With radical advances in halftime
silly-prop technology, the SA's achieved effects never yet duplicated.
From the memorable costume which transformed MOB Drum Major Keith
Bourque into the stranded alien, UT The Ultra-Terrestrial
to the unprecedented on-field spacecraft
launch, this show was a triumph for the Show Assistants and
marked the coming-of-age of the modern MOB Show.
In modern times, Show Assistants have
OH GOD THEY'RE EVEN GETTING IN MY HAIR!!!! AAAAUUUUGGGHHHH!!!
But perhaps their most significant technological advance is
the pioneering of the halftime Gzilcher. The
Mark I Gzilcher could throw a
rubber chicken sixty yards and a streamer-equipped tennis ball
eighty. Its successor, the Mark II,
matched its range while increasing stability and operating efficiency.
So what lies ahead for the Show Assistants? What new challenges
await them? And why
ARE ALL THESE BATS ALL OVER ME? GET THEM OFF ME!!!
HELP!!! AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!!
1995 was a year of many changes for the Show Assistants. Willy's Pub was destroyed in a fire that also claimed the ancient
and revered Marching Owl Bandhall. And when the City of Houston
refused to shell out the $200 million required for a new facility,
the MOB had no choice but to consider relocation.
But then, at the last minute, the city of Houston came through,
realizing that there is one team that is worth $200 million
to keep. And with their funding, the Show Assistants were able
to build a beautiful new dome with
enough left over for a nice set of golf
clubs. And with new contracts in place to build top-secret
military hardware and a new line of personal
computers, the future of the SA's looks bright.
But nothing lasts forever, and with the demise of the Southwest
Conference, the MOB and the Show Assistants are
looking to new pastures, and wishing
old rivals good luck.
No one can say what the future holds, but one thing is for
sure: the Show Assistants will
be there, ready to carry the halftime banner into the next century...
and beyond.
In 1996, the Southwest Conference lay in ruins. Nation fought
nation. And no nation fought nation morely than the Show Assistants!
Hip-hip-hurray! Nice nice! Yaboo! Philips is a German and he have
my pen!
Start Again
In 1996, the Southwest Conference lay in ruins. And the Rice
University MOB was launching itself into the unknown, a new conference,
with new opponents, and new uniforms. Fortunately, the Show Assistants
were there. As the season began, we packed up our Winnebagos,
put on our coats, and prepared
to build props where props had never been
built before!
But we didn't go without backup. Well-armed
in our armored vehicles, and accompanied
by a police escort, we had every
confidence we would come through okay, so long as we stayed alert.
1996 was also a year of political activism for the Show Assistants,
as we became involved with the Presidential
Candidates, familiarized ourselves with their policies,
and even eagerly volunteered to
help with Ross Perot's campaign. And
when a couple of Rice professors won the Nobel prize for their
chemical discovery, the Show Assistants
got all dressed up, hopped in our flying saucer, and flew to Stockholm to
congratulate them.
And so as a new era begins for the MOB and the Show Assistants,
we tip our hats to our new opponents
and promise them that we'll be there-- rain
or shine.
In 1997 the Show Assistants reached new heights of technical
precision and engineering skill, mainly because our Production
Manager carried a big stick and
wasn't afraid to use it. So you can be sure we listened very carefully
to all mission briefings and made
props that were technological masterpieces
and monuments to history.
Backed by this impressive organization, we made tracks
to the stadium, where there was ample
seating, and sometimes a football
game, though we were usually more interested in wearing unique hats, playing with our organ,
and trying out the new tropical-style uniforms (a look which worked
better for some than for others).
But personal achievement alone did not drive the SA's this
year. In 1998, the Show Assistants were driven by a vision-- a
grand vision, a vision of a Prop. A Prop so magnificent in size
and luxurious in its appointments that it would never be equalled.
Soon, at the bandhall shipyards, construction
began on the massive 28-foot-long hull of what would be the
largest prop ever to be built on a box
on wheels. Soon, the giant prop was ready,
awaiting its maiden halftime show. And then, amid the cheers of
the world, it was launched with the
confident boast that this prop was unsinkable! But tragedy awaited
in the frigid astroturf of mid-field,
where the enormous prop struck an iceberg,
sending an innocent purple dinosaur
plunging to the depths of the fifty-yard line! But undaunted by
the disaster, the world-record prop sailed
back to port and into history.
It is certain that the 1998 Show Assistants had a Deep
Impact on world history, and surely deserved their post-season
party. The world may never see their like again.
The Production Manager is the Fearless Leader of the Show Assistants,
responsible for all aspects of SA activity. Truly the nerve center
of the entire operation, without the Production Manager the Show
Assistants might be little more than a group of strange people
throwing cardboard onto football fields at random intervals.
The Show Assistants, or SA's, are one of
the most elite commando squads in the modern world. Always in
a state of readiness, they specialize in counter-terrorism and
can strike suspected terrorist enclaves anywhere in the world
with lightning-fast, surgical precision. Armed with the latest
in military technology, they--
