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I joined the world-famous Rice University Marching Owl Band as a Show Assistant (SA) in my freshman year, August 1982, and I have grown old in the service of the MOB. One of the highlights of my life was designing the costume for the 1982 ET show, the greatest MOB show in SA history (see the Show Assistant homepage). Another was waving a giant screw at the Texas Aggie Band while dressed as a Christmas Tree (don't ask). More recently, a halftime show gave me the opportunity to improve my golf game, and in 1997's season opener I earned the distinction of becoming (I believe) the first MOBster to perform in a halftime show while actually suffering a heart attack without knowing it. Such achievements have permitted me to join the illustrious MOB Old Farts, from which I hope never to depart.

As a Show Assistant, I have always been on guard against any threats to the organization, and I always approach the job of Show Assistant with the grace and dignity it demands. Being an SA is like going on a fantastic archaeological expedition; at times it seems like SA's can do magic.

In 1985 I ascended to the peak of Show Assistantdom, serving as Production Manager, a job which led directly to my Pulitzer Prize (alert from the Editors-- this is a lie).

Ever since 1988, the annual Show Assistant Video has been bringing laughter and lobsters to audiences all over the Rice Bandhall. Mixing exciting footage from the MOB Season with original scenes so funny they'll having you wondering if there's any golf on TV to watch instead, and culminating in a thrilling montage of everything the SA's did at halftime that year, a Show Assistant Video is truly a memory that will last a lunchtime.
So don't miss the entertainment extravaganza that dares to ask the question, "What's that rabbit doing in here?"

• "Extraordinary entertainment!" --Gene Shallit
• "Two Thumbs up!" --Siskel & Ebert
• "More fun than being devoured by snarling rats!" --Anonymous
  

The last ever Show Assistant Video (unless someone else takes over the job) premiered in March 1999 to thunderous applause and laughter so intense that several in the audience had to be hospitalized with internal injuries. But that didn't dampen the fun, no sir! Everyone liked it! Yippee! Yahoo! Me the Director-man, me make movies good!

Rampant crime holds the Rice University campus hostage in a Reign of Terror and only one small band of heroes can stop it! But can even the Show Assistants prevail against a twisted criminal genius determined to gain absolute power over all prop-building for all time? Or will this be the Show Assistants Final Chapter!? (No, that was last year's video.)

Show Assistant Video themes to date:

• 1988: The MOB Competes for the Halftime Gold Medal in the Seoul Olympics.
• 1989: Billion-dollar marketing blitz on the Show Assistants prompts an NBC investigative report.
• 1990: The MOB comes unstuck in time.
• 1991: The hardline Precision Marching Party attempts an anti-MOB coup in Rice Stadium.
• 1992: The MOB tries to repeat its Gold Medal at the Barcelona Olympics.
• 1993: Show Assistants-- The Movie. A spy from the Texas Aggie Band infiltrates the Show Assistants.
• 1994: A mysterious band of heroes fights Marchers and Penguins around the conference.
• 1995: Inept SWC Band members try to destroy the SA's while a Magician plots to rule the Universe with duct tape.
• 1996: Aliens from Planet WAC attempt to destroy halftime.
• 1997: The Show Assistants fight an evil queen to restore comedy to a distant world.
• 1998: The super-villain known only as the Propmaster hatches an evil scheme.

SA Video running gags, and the lines that first introduced them:

That's absolutely right, Keith, I couldn't have said it any better myself.

"That's absolutely right, Keith, I couldn't have said it any better myself." (1988)

Lobsters

"I imagine that writing a new show every week must keep the lobsters pretty busy, right?"
"Well, actually we don't have any lobsters writings shows." (1989)

Kumquats

"Lobsters are larger than Kumquats." (1989)

As the Duct Tape Rolls

"Oh, Tony! It's... it's so... big! " (1990)

Snarling Rats

"I've just been handed an urgent bulletin that the entire MOB has been devoured by snarling rats! ... I'm sorry, I misread that. The Show Assistants are completing final work on props. " (1991)

Bubba Jones

"This just in: the EEC has declared war on a Mr. Bubba Jones of Lubbock, Texas. EEC spokesman Jean-Claude Dom Perignon said it's nothing personal, they just don't like his name." (1992)

Penguins

"The Show Assistants: Who are they? What are they doing? And why are there all these penguins in the studio?" (1994)

Other great moments in SA Video History

• "By dawn, the broken-down buses were encased in three feet of solid ice and snow, with no hope of rescue until the spring thaw. Gradually, the Show Assistants came to the horrifying realization that there was nothing to eat... except each other!" (1988)
• "Coming up next on NBC, Tom Brokaw with an in-depth report on the staggering political changes in Eastern Europe. But first, back to the stupid little program you've been watching." (1989)
• "After literally minutes of preparation, the SA's at last are ready to perform in front of dozens of fans!" (1990)
• "I'm puzzled about what goes on at these Saturday Morning Rehearsals. Can you explain?"
  "No, Mr. Chairman, I cannot." (1991)
• "Barcelona is a city of great historical and cultural diversity. But few people realize that it is also the world's leading exporter of umbrellas." (1992)
• "That's our Big Prop for the show. We just call it... Mr. Thingy." (1993)
• "So what made you want to join the Show Assistants?"
  "Well, it's certainly not that I'm a spy sent here from Texas A&M to infiltrate and destroy you, that's for sure." (1993)
• "There's a Magician out here who's got a hold of the duct tape and is using it as the Cosmic Talisman so that he can make a bad polka band the rulers of the Universe."
  "Oh damn, not again!" (1995)
• "So how are you guys coming on the giant flying saucer prop?"
  [Insert POV shot.]
  "Wow-- you guys are good!" (1996)
• The world-famous "Speech in the CK Basement":
  "I'm tired of having all these bad guys show up, Video after Video, to try and destroy us. Isn't it time we stood up for ourselves? Isn't it time we showed the audience-- (hi there!) --that we're not just punching bags for every Sousa-loving villain that comes our way? What do the Show Assistants stand for, anyway? What ripens the kumquat on its vine? What inspires the lobster on its lonely walk 'neath shimmering sea? What doth the lowly rat, snarling in its den, revere above all else? Comedy! Comedy! Comedy!
  Do we but this deed, and song and story shall light us down the paths of history even unto the end of the world! And he that outlives this day, and comes safe home, will stand a-tip-toe when this day is named, and rouse him at the name of-- SHOW ASSISTANTS!" (1997)

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